I haven’t been completely forthcoming with you, or with myself.
Grief continues to affect me. I don’t like admitting this and I certainly don’t enjoy this being my reality when it’s been over a year since my Dad passed on. Yet here it is. And, I feel like the big thing for me to learn through this whole process is to fully admit, accept and process the challenges that life presents. It’s been to my detriment that I’ve done my coach thing and continued to tell myself that “all is good,” “it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things,” etc. I know that these statements ARE true, yet using these to cover up and not fully process what saddens, frustrates and disappoints me is ultimately not helpful.
After Dad passed, I believe I started to actually process the 15 years of disappointment and anger that my the last decade and a half of my Dad’s life were riddled with confusing, scary, vulnerable and degrading health issues. I finally started to fully process that I was upset and mad that my Dad’s life had looked like that for so long, that my Mom’s life looked like that, that we all faced those heartaches and worry. My Dad was amazing and had the unbelievable ability to appreciate life, get the most out of his circumstances and to stay strong with his faith. He made it easy for us to feel OK and keep moving forward.
I miss him. I miss him very much.
I know he’s with me always. Yet, I’m also a tangible, tactical gal so it’s tough to not be able to see, touch and hear him.
This process of grief is the most confusing and humbling experience I’ve ever had. At times, I feel embarrassed and ashamed that my grief continues to affect me the way it does. Like on Thursday, when I went back to bed after dropping the kids off at school and slept till Noon. I continue to have these days from time to time. I sometimes don’t know whether to attribute the tired and dimmed attitude to triathlon training, to a full schedule, to grief or to a combination of the above. Being on a couple of new journeys at once makes it hard to decipher. It’s probably not even important to decipher. I think that’s also part of what there is for me to learn. It’s not something that needs to be figured out. Just experience, be compassionate with myself and those around me, don’t project worries into the future (like if I’m this tired today, how tired will I be when my training volume doubles!!?), breathe, process and stay in the present.
I got into a good rhythm this week. (Starting out with a brand new perspective on swimming probably helped! Thank you 
2 happenings came together synchronistically to put me on a new swimming path…
This week was an emotional roller coaster regarding swimming. (Surprise, surprise!) In the final 20 weeks of my Ironman training plan, there are 3 weeks dedicated mostly to one of the sports. This week was the mini version of the big swim that I have in the future.