I haven’t been completely forthcoming with you, or with myself.

Grief continues to affect me. I don’t like admitting this and I certainly don’t enjoy this being my reality when it’s been over a year since my Dad passed on. Yet here it is. And, I feel like the big thing for me to learn through this whole process is to fully admit, accept and process the challenges that life presents. It’s been to my detriment that I’ve done my coach thing and continued to tell myself that “all is good,” “it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things,” etc. I know that these statements ARE true, yet using these to cover up and not fully process what saddens, frustrates and disappoints me is ultimately not helpful.

After Dad passed, I believe I started to actually process the 15 years of disappointment and anger that my the last decade and a half of my Dad’s life were riddled with confusing, scary, vulnerable and degrading health issues. I finally started to fully process that I was upset and mad that my Dad’s life had looked like that for so long, that my Mom’s life looked like that, that we all faced those heartaches and worry. My Dad was amazing and had the unbelievable ability to appreciate life, get the most out of his circumstances and to stay strong with his faith. He made it easy for us to feel OK and keep moving forward.

I miss him. I miss him very much.

I know he’s with me always. Yet, I’m also a tangible, tactical gal so it’s tough to not be able to see, touch and hear him.

This process of grief is the most confusing and humbling experience I’ve ever had. At times, I feel embarrassed and ashamed that my grief continues to affect me the way it does. Like on Thursday, when I went back to bed after dropping the kids off at school and slept till Noon. I continue to have these days from time to time. I sometimes don’t know whether to attribute the tired and dimmed attitude to triathlon training, to a full schedule, to grief or to a combination of the above. Being on a couple of new journeys at once makes it hard to decipher. It’s probably not even important to decipher. I think that’s also part of what there is for me to learn. It’s not something that needs to be figured out. Just experience, be compassionate with myself and those around me, don’t project worries into the future (like if I’m this tired today, how tired will I be when my training volume doubles!!?), breathe, process and stay in the present.

Holy moley. I went cycle equipment shopping today. I’m overwhelmed about these little CO2 canisters and tubes I have (good gravy, how does that work?) and about how I spent over $300 and didn’t even get everything on my list!! And I’m not going with the high-end options, I’m going with the good-enough options.

I came home and started tallying it up for my husband… “You know how much it costs to do an Ironman?? Get me a calculator. I’ll tell you…”

Then I went off, my voice getting louder and louder as I outlined it all.

“Let’s just estimate. What? $736 to register. $90 for insurance. $200 for the photo option and for USAT day memberships. Something like $250 to register for Racine Half Ironman. $900 in hotel reservations. Go up and bike with Madison VQ a few times, that’s $70, I think. Register for Capital View Triathlon, $69, I’m estimating. Bought a bike this year, that was $2,000. Bought 2 pairs of swim goggles = $40. I still need a trainer, that’s $160. I still need a snack pouch, let’s say $24. I’ll need a wetsuit, no idea. $200? I just bought 2 new pairs of running shoes (got a great deal on these, they had just gotten in the newer versions). $150. I had been feeling some twinges in my knee, what if they come back I want to get them checked out at the chiropractor? That’s $55 to start. I’ll want some more cycling clothes and a more sporty swimsuit. Let’s budget $250. I want new pedals for my bike. We’ll go with $40. I’ll need some more swim lessons, let’s say $150. Do I need to pay extra to attend masters swim classes? At some point, God willing, I’ll be ready for those. I’m not sure…$30 a month for 4 months? $120. I might want some adhoc coaching sessions with a coach that’s done Ironman Wisconsin. At least $75.” I was punching away on the calculator, watching the numbers add up.

“That’s over $5,500!!”

Over $5,500!! I’m freaking out. Now, of course, I’m already in this – so I’ll just be throwing…what? Good money after good money. But, goodness gracious!!

Some of my estimates are horribly off, I’m sure. But, I’m thinking a number of them are probably horribly off on the low end. Yikes.

I’m suffering from post-shopping stress syndrome.

Did my swim session yesterday. Ugh. I felt worried during most of it.

The truth is, I probably did just fine physically, for me, for where I’m at. It was probably just fine. But it didn’t feel fine in my head.

I was fixated on how tired and winded I felt after one length of the pool. (yeah, 64 lengths = 1 mile. and I just did the math – which I shouldn’t have done! – 2.4 miles = 153.6 lengths). That scares the Sh%^t out of me!

I can’t get it all right for even a half a length of the pool. If I focus on my kick, my breathing goes out of whack. It’s like I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. If my feet are going faster and in good form, then I don’t keep my steady, easy breathing going. If I focus on my arms, then I notice that I’m tilting my head up too much. I can’t seem to get arms, legs, and breathing all in good form at once. And…I know my swim instructor hasn’t even addressed probably half of the issues going on.

I was really getting myself worked up.

I finally gave myself a shake, realized that I wasn’t making progress with this thinking, and for the last lengths of the pool, I focused on one thing at a time. I think I can do everything I’ve been taught!!! Just not all at the same time… and not for long…